God has been teaching me lately that no matter what, He must be my first love. The word “must” gives the initial impression that I’m forced to be in this relationship, that it’s merely my struggling response to satisfy an unpleasant tyrant–but oh, the reality is so far from that. With God as my first love, all my actions become wired to please Him, to make Him proud of me, to honor Him. I learn about Him so I can serve selflessly. I talk to Him so that my thoughts become in tune with His. I yell at Him when I’m mad, and laugh when I’m happy. It’s a relationship…and the more time spent together, the deeper the intimacy grows.
I’ve heard it said that for a marriage to work, each person must not give 50%, but 100%. That way, if one spouse isn’t holding up all the way, the relationship will still be at least 100%. God is always giving the full percentage, even if my efforts are failing. But when I invest, too, it’s amazing.
So back to the song lyrics… With God as my first love, I must refuse to let anything come between Him and me. He loves me far more intensely than even the way a husband can love his wife–and that kind of love did not come cheaply. Therefore, I strive to not let cheap things interfere with my affections toward Him. I also try to not let my emotions dictate my devotion to Him. To quote another song, “It’s not about what you feel, but what He felt to forgive you.” (“You Are More”, Tenth Avenue North) There have been so many times where the concept of “God” has utterly confused and frustrated me. (As in, not being able to wrap my mind around Him. But I’m also learning that because God is so great, I am not able to understand and explain everything about Him. Which is actually a more comforting thought, because God wouldn’t be so “omni-” present/powerful/etc. if I could grasp all the knowledge of His love and existence.) I’m beginning to realize that even above my mental chaos, my mouth and my hands still continue along in ways meant to honor Him. Even when my questions deafen my normal thoughts, my voice still proclaims that Jesus is Lord, and that I will not refuse to obey Him. Even when my own doubts swirl vigorously, my actions continue to practice the pattern I’ve been developing: the pattern after Christ. He has such a grip on my life that even when I can’t answer all the “whys”, I still believe He IS. Doubts don’t have to lead to disbelief.
So to summarize in an odd way, I want to be able to say, “No matter what, I’m gonna love You.” With God as my first love, I will not allow anything to become more important to me than Him. Despite questions and frustrations and difficulties and weariness–no matter what–I’m gonna love Him.
jess leigh hanna 